she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
