WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
