her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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