so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
