you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
