god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
please come you make the beer taste better
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
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Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
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Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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