you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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