Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
