bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
