did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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