i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
