Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
