So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just blew my weed a kiss
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
