I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
