Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
