i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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