Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
