Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
