I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
