I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
