My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
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Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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