You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
