i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
