I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
