im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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