Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
