Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
