I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
