I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
