i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
