He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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