I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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