You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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