Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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