i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
