at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I want a musical about memes.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
