I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Enjoy the penises
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
