Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
