i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
