She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
