i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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