Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
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Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
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I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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