I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
