Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
