i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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