My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
