alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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