cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
