things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
