Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
