my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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