After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
