for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
