I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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