Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
this hospital has no fireball
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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