I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
