So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
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I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
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My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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